When a person feels unloved...guaranteed they will react negatively in some shape or form.   Want to know more?   Read on!! 

Eph. 5:33 commands a husband to love his wife? Why? She needs love like she needs air to breath. Eph. 5:33 commands a wife to respect her husband. Why? He needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When you cause your wife to feel ‘unloved’ – she reacts. She will feel like she’s emotionally suffocating. It’s the same reaction you’d get, if you stood on her ‘air hose’ and cut off her supply of air to breathe. She will push her husband off her air hose, “Get off my air hose! Quit being so unloving!” Things can get out of control at this moment. Feeling unloved, she shows contempt!

Feeling disrespected, he shows no love. From his wife, he needs respect, like he needs air to breathe. This is an unconditional respect for who he is, apart from his performance.

Here’s an example: A husband words hard at his place of employment. He brings home a good pay cheque. To him, this is honorable. He even hands over his pay cheque, trusting his wife’s management of their money.

But once every couple of months, she becomes exasperated with the ‘bills’ and money pressures. She expresses her anxiety over their ( his) lack of income. Hurt, he makes a cutting remark back to her. “Why don’t you go get a job if my cheque not enough for you? You’re ungrateful.”

Now, his unloving comment wounds her, and blinds her to his inner feeling of being disrespected. If she in turn says something disrespectful, this is a double whammy! She’s venting her frustration, needing reassurance. She’s feeling fearful about the bills – perhaps worrying over her ability to make everything stretch. She needs to be reassured, and affirmed that she’s doing a great job, and that they’re gonna make it. He’s blinded to her cry. Yet, he hears, “I don’t respect you.You don’t even make enough to support this family. You’re a bad provider.” He lashes back, and she hears ‘ I don’t care. It’s all your fault we don’t have enough. You’re a bad money manager.”

When he feels disrespected, right or wrong, he reacts. He feels choked emotionally. He will not passively announce, “Oh, ok, I count for nothing; it’s time to die.”

Instead, he reacts. He pushes her off his air hose, “Get off my line, I can’t breathe. Quit being so disrespectful. Everybody respects me but you! I don’t deserve this disrespect!”

Both are defensive becoming offensive.

In feeling unloved, she’s disrespectful. At that moment, she does not see his need for respect nor her disrespect – or doesn’t want to. If he does see this, honestly, he may not care at this heated second. He sees his need for respect and her need to be more respectful. Until she changes, he’s stonewalling!.

Does any of this sound familiar? It’s all too common in so many of our marriages. What we both need from each other, is often the very thing we are not getting.

In our discussion group, Alf asked the question “How many of you ‘get’ the idea that your wives are to be loved unconditionally?” Everyone in the group understood that principal. Then he asked if we understood that giving your husband’s ‘respect’ is also unconditional. He explained it like this…

“If your husband tells you, ‘I can’t love you till you change this or that’ – that would be conditional love. Based on you doing something, or changing something to earn love. It’s no different than when a wife says she can’t respect her husband until he does ‘this or that’ – then she’ll respect him. See, THAT’S conditional respect. You’d no more like being made to ‘earn’ your husband’s love, than he does having to ‘earn’ your respect! Respect for your husbands is to be unconditional. Love for your wife, is also unconditional. Most of the arguments in our marriages are around these two issues – one of us feeling unloved and cared for, and one feeling disrespected and not valued.”

NOW…this isn’t to say that men don’t want love, or that women don’t want respect. We all need both. The point of the book we are reading however is to get us to realize that it’s the misunderstandings of each other’s basic needs, that are causing so many difficulties in many marriages.

Ask yourself these questions:

1) When you defensively react, is this offensive?

2) As a wife, do you agree that when you feel unloved, you can react in disrespectful ways? Can you see why your husband might miss your need to feel loved?

3) As a husband, do you agree that when you feel disrespected, you can react in unloving ways? Can you see why your wife might miss your need to feel respected?

4) Who needs to feel loved and who needs to feel respected?

5) Is God inviting you to come across more lovingly/respectfully when your ‘air hose’ is being stepped on?

6) Can you see how this principle could help you in other relationships in your life?